Just like many of you, I have watched with shock and horror at the devastation that took place recently... how can you help out, without putting your $$$$MONEY$$$$$ into a scam?

Fortunately for you, I pontificate on discuss this very topic over at my reader blog at the Chronicle, eTee Too.

Cheesy Threat Advisory Level: Edam - Red

In light of a recent attempt to commit an act of alleged terrorism on board an aircraft, the Congress has announced that they will conduct a comprehensive probe of the flying public, in an effort to determine whether or not terrorists are likely to conceal explosives in their... umm... bodily cavities. Effective tomorrow, travelers will be required to submit to the BFAP (Big F****** A** Prober)-9000, which will be installed at security checkpoints in airports nationwide. In addition, a team of mobile BFAP-9000s will be available to perform secondary screening gateside. The inspections will be videotaped, and the results posted on YouTube examined by Congress thoroughly.

In related news, the TSA has determined that the perpetrators of acts of alleged terrorism all have one thing in common: they are armed. Therefore, effective next Monday, the TSA has mandated that all travelers will be required to relinquish their arms before boarding. A pair of table saws will be set up at each boarding gate to perform the dismemberment, and the arms thus removed will be quick-frozen and placed in checked baggage (for a one-way fee of $40 for two arms. Extra arms can be checked at a fee of $35/each.) Upon arrival at the final destination, specially-trained TSA screeners will be on-hand to attempt reconnection of the severed limbs.

Lastly, our correspondent in Nigeria sent us this dispatch:

Hello, I am representing Mr. Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab, who recently allegedly attempted to emulate his idol, Achmed the Dead Terrorist, while on a flight to Detroit. As a result, he is seriously in need of funds for his defense. I have come across bank accounts of his totaling the sum of TWENTY-FIVE MILLION THREE HUNDRED FORTY-NINE THOUSAND SIX HUNDRED FIFTY-TWO DOLLARS AND SEVENTY THREE CENTS (USD $25,349,652.73), which will be forfeit to the government of Nigeria if we are unable to exercise the modalities by the Grace of God. And so, trusting in God and His Modalities, I would like to entreat you with a very special offer...

In a pre-emptive move designed to counter Egypt's decision to copyright the Pyramids, members of the Japanese government are considering passing a law to copyright the Sun in honor of Amaterasu, and require everyone who benefits from the Sun, or would like to create a reproduction or derivative work, to pay a licensing fee first.

The reason for this move was simple: "We want to Make $$$$MONEY$$$$$ FAST!!1" said a spokesman.

The Egyptians, however, are not taking this lying down. In a rally designed to drum up support for local efforts to copyright the symbol of their own deity, a group of people were heard shouting "Ra! Ra! Ra!"

Are you interested in making $$$$ fast? Here's an incredibly simple way to do it, and there is nothing to buy, no investment to make, no money to lose! Try it now!

Follow this simple procedure:

1. Hold down the shift key.
2. Hit the 4 key four times

Anytime you find you need more $$$$, you just repeat the procedure!

And, best of all, it is 100% LEAGEL!!!!!1

h/t to "Lucas Barnes", who gave me a good laugh to start my day out with when he sent me a spam with the following subject line:

SUBJECT: World Wide Lootery agent

At least, they can't bust him for false advertising.

(cross-posted at the MMF Hall of Humiliation)