Hell's Kitchen
Jul 8, 2008

This week... in HELL'S KITCHEN:

We are at the finale, the conclusion, the Final Showdown. The winner walks away with the prize, while the other... walks away.

But first, Petrozza must pick his last team member. Will it be Matt, or Jen? He finally decides on... Jen. Christina is elated. Jen is... Jen. Still convinced she is the natural leader and the best of the best, that one is.

We now have a chance to see the difference between the two contestants, as Christina is organized and prepared, while Petrozza is anything but. Jen (quite rightly so, IMHO) insists he get organized.

During prep, both Jen and Matt show us once again why they aren't in the Final Two. Matt is goofing off, while Jen is preparing... for her future. Quite brazenly, she asks Chef Ramsay for a letter of recommendation while Petrozza is out of the kitchen. I guess sucking up is an easier task than prepping veg. Christina's entire Red Team ends up saying things like ****, ****, and especially ********.

Both chefs present their dishes to Chef Ramsay for his review. Christina takes somewhat of a safe approach, while Petrozza's dishes are more imaginative... and risky. Then, he inspects their respective dining areas, and seems satisfied.

We are treated to a bit more hyperbole, and then HELL'S KITCHEN opens for the Last Supper.

And, they're off! The Red Team is first out of the gate, while the Blue Team stumbles, as Petrozza rejects Bobby's first offering. However, Petrozza's quality control pays off. Next, Matt has problems making a salad (a freakin' salad!), eliciting a minor eruption from Mt. Ramsay. Petrozza then runs out of ingredients for two of his appetizers, and

OMGOMGOMGRAMSAYTHREATENSTOCLOSEHIMDOWNOMGOMGOMG

Actually, part of that can be laid directly at Jen's feet, as she was busy sweeping when the rest of her team was prepping. As I said... Jen is Jen. Leopards changing spots, and all that.

Petrozza, thinking quickly, hits up Bobby for ideas. Bobby comes up with a risotto, which the customers like.

Christina's Red Team starts sending out entrees - and they start coming back. Luke-cool steaks cause Christina to step up the level of assertiveness. Petrozza gets in the weeds plating, while his customers wait... and wait... and wait. Finally, Chef Ramsay steps in and sets Petrozza straight.

Matt then delivers monkfish to the pass. However, sushi is not on the menu.

OMGOMGOMGMATTSERVEDRAWFISHOMGOMGOMG

Chef Ramsay gives Matt a piece of his mind. Then, he gives Jen a piece of his mind, as she gets mouthy with Petrozza. Then, back to Matt, who is convinced that the fish is uncooking itself. Here, Petrozza is showing his strength, as he takes on Jen, while Christina allows Matt to continue being a ****up, until Chef Ramsay threatens to run her kitchen for her.

Finally, the last dish is served, the last customer leaves, and it is all over.. except, that is, for the Final Judgement.

So, who is it? The catering director, or the culinary student? Flashbacks to the events of the evening are seen, as Chef Ramsay mulls it over. Decisions, decisions. Finally, it is time. Both contestants put their hands on the door, and the one that opens will signify the winner. Who will that be? We'll find out... after the break.

We're back. One... Two... Three. The door opens, and out walks... :drum roll: ... CHRISTINA!

"Oh my Goodness! Holy ****ing ****!" (Her words, not mine. Obviously, she'll get along famously with Chef Ramsay. She can already speak the lingo.)

Chef Ramsay consoles Petrozza, then raises the arm of his new Executive Chef in victory, then declares it is time to get the **** out of HELL'S KITCHEN (his words, not mine.).

Champagne flows, and confetti falls. Lots of celebration ensues.

With that, I bid you Hasta la Vista (Baby), until we meet a whole new group of suckers unemployed kitchen help assclowns seeking their fifteen minutes contestants, next year... in HELL'S KITCHEN.

Hell's Kitchen
Jul 1, 2008

This week... in HELL'S KITCHEN:

We have finally arrived! It is time for the Final Round. At stake: a position of Executive Chef Senior Chef Chief Cook and Bottlewasher Great Importance at Gordon Ramsay's newest restaurant, opening in LA this summer. And there's something about a cool quarter of a million dollars in real $$$$MONEY$$$$$ involved.

But first: we have get to sit through a rehash recap of the entire season, listening to 13 weeks of Chef Ramsay saying things like ****, ****, and especially ********.

Oh, and something about Matt's unique interpretation of 'finger food'. Ewww.

OMGOMGOMGOMGMATTLEFTBODYPARTSINHISDISHOMGOMGOMGOMG

And then, it's On With The Show, as the ceremonial "splitting" of HELL'S KITCHEN occurs. After a few congratulatory words from Chef Ramsay, Petrozza and Christina are off to plan their menus. A task where Petrozza displays a certain lack of focus concentration intensity. This is pointed out the next morning, as the designer asks Petrozza what is on the menu.

As the sous chefs work with the contestants on their menus, the difference in approaches of the two becomes even more clear, as Christina seems more confident and focused on the task at hand, while Petrozza is engaging in a bit of free-association thinking. After they finish, Chef Ramsay calls the into his office. Uh-oh, that almost never means anything good. And this time is no exception, as Chef toys with their psyches expresses concerns over whether he has the right finalists or not... the hell?

Then he cracks a smile. Oh, yeah, he was just joking. And almost gave Petrozza a coronary in the process. He then offers to show them another of his restaurants - in New York City. While on the flight out, Chef recounts their various failings - and successes.

Upon arrival, they take a limo to Times Square, where it is Christina's turn to freak out, as they see their names in lights. They are also rewarded with a 5-night stay in the Dubai Hilton (after the show is over, I am thinking), as well as a night in his NYC restaurant. Oh, wait, this isn't a treat - this is The Challenge, as they are given chefs coats and asked to prepare their signature dishes. We now begin to see a more arrogant cocky side to Christina, as she engages in some smack talk for the Confess-o-Cam. The judging is conducted by the five Executive Chefs at Gordon Ramsay's restaurants, and the score is: Petrozza... Petrozza... Christina... Christina... PETROZZA FTW!

We are at the 45 minute mark, and just got through The Challenge. I am beginning to suspect this is a two-parter.

Petrozza's reward for winning: he gets to pick his sous chef first, from among all the former contestants. One last treat, from out of this world, as Gynan Whoopi Goldberg drops by to wish them well.

Back in HELL'S KITCHEN, it's a double whammy for Christina. Not only is the decoration all wrong (OMG! STRIPES!), but the designer wants to take some space from her and give it to Petrozza (OMG! STRIPES!) Another minor freak-out, and Petrozza is totally enjoying it.

After a sleepless night, it is the Final Day - and the former contestants arrive - including Jen, who is still convinced she is better than anyone there. Petrozza picks Bobby, Ben, and...

With that, I bid you Adiós, until we find out whether Petrozza picks Matt or Jen, and All Will Be Revealed, next week... in HELL'S KITCHEN.

(cross-posted at etee too)

Hell's Kitchen
Jun 24, 2008

This week... in HELL'S KITCHEN:

We start off with a rerun of last week's show. This is something we haven't seen so far this season: I guess it means they ran out of other shows for the 7PM time slot.

While FOX is replaying Jen's fall from grace, let's take a look at what is at stake, and who is still in the running. At stake: the position of Executive Chef at Gordon Ramsay's newest restaurant, opening in LA this summer. Or, maybe it is Senior Chef - these things tend to change from episode to episode. And there may be a cool quarter of a million dollars in real $$$$MONEY$$$$$ involved. The remaining three contestants, who tonight will compete for a slot in the finals, and a chance at the brass ring, are:

• Petrozza, a catering director for whom cleanliness is next to unthinkable. Seriously, the guy's a slob. And Chef Ramsay has called him out on it, more than once.
• Christina, a culinary student. She hasn't done too badly (after all, she is in the Final Three), but she does lack a little thing called experience.
• Corey, a "private chef". Whatever the hell that means. (Actually, a private chef is similar to a personal chef, but is dedicated to one client.)

So, riddle me this: if you were Gordon Ramsay, and you had this group of candidates for such an important job, wouldn't you be just a little bit nervous?

I know I would.

Back to the show. Corey has time management problems blahblahblah Christina burns Chef Ramsay blahblahblah Petrozza is a slob blahblahblah Jen gets kicked off. Good: now that that's over, let's get on with tonight's episode, m'kay?

Chef Ramsay throws a bit of a curve ball, as he has invited family members in to eat a celebratory meal with the contestants, one prepared by Chef Ramsay himself. Corey and Petrozza enjoy the break and the chance to catch up on small talk. Christina spent her time wisely, discussing the elements of the dish with her parents, having guessed (correctly, it turned out) that they were going to be asked to reproduce the dish for The Challenge. Hilarity ensues, as each one gets some elements right - and others horribly, horribly wrong. Corey got the meat wrong... FAIL. Who comes closest, and wins? We'll find out... after the break.

Christina ends up winning, with Petrozza a close second. Christina wins a special three-course meal/sightseeing tour with Chef Ramsay - and her parents. Petrozza and Corey get to bust ice, and clean glasses. Lots and lots of glasses.

Prior to the start of The Service, Chef Ramsay gives them their final assignment: each will take a turn running the kitchen. He also gives them some "assertiveness training", which consists of yelling things like ****, ****, and especially ********.

HELL'S KITCHEN opens, and as the contestants take their turn at the pass, the final curve ball is thrown: the sous chefs act as saboteurs, making mistakes to test the contestants. Petrozza missed the error with the risotto: apparently, he also missed this episode during the previous seasons, as he seemed surprised by what Scott did. Christina scorches a salmon, then commits a great and vile sin:

OMGOMGOMGOMGCHRISTINACOOKEDRAWFISHOMGOMGOMGOMG

Christina then proceeds to have a minor meltdown. Next up is Corey: her first mistake is in failing to catch an error on her first ticket. Her second error is in catching Scott's screwup a little too late. Chef Ramsay decides she doesn't need to make a third, and sends her back. Then, it is Christina. She is assertive enough, but does she catch Gloria's "error"? Sure enough, she does! The entrees are all delivered, then desserts, and voila! Service complete.

The joy, however, is short-lived - Chef isn't going to make this easy for them, and so he recaps their successes and failures. He then sends them off, with instructions to nominate one person - each. After much wailing and gnashing of teeth deep, difficult discussion, the nominees are: Christina, Corey, and... Christina.

Chef Ramsay decides to announce his first finalist... after the break. That person is Petrozza (no surprise.) He then asks Christina and Corey to explain why they should be the other finalist, and they give their pitch. So, is it Christina, or Corey? It's CHRISTINA! Corey hands over her jacket, and Chef Ramsay congratulates her and wishes her well.

Then, the attention turns to the finalists. One interesting teaser: Chef Ramsay asking if he's got the right finalists! And with that, I bid you Αντίο, until Petrozza and Christina fly cross-country, choose their kitchen help, and prepare for the final challenge, next week... in HELL'S KITCHEN.

(cross-posted at etee too)

Hell's Kitchen
Jun 17, 2008

This week... in HELL'S KITCHEN:

After the Spiking Ceremony, the Final Four retire, where three of them ruin their palates enjoy a cigarette while plotting to rid themselves of Jen. We then join them in the kitchen, where Chef Ramsay introduces them to The Mother of All Challenges - cook 80 portions of a lunch special for 'mystery guests', whose votes will decide the winner. Jen immediately gets stars in her eyes, and begins to rattle off her fave celebrities to ConfessionCam. All the contestants then begin cooking, all the while talking smack on each other. Most choose to make sandwiches: however, Corey somehow missed the part about having to have something on the plate within the time limit - as the clock winds down, most of her plates are still empty. Finally, the time is up, the customers walk in, and we will find out who they are... after the break.

We're back... and the mystery is solved, as 80 pregnant women walk in. ("Mother" of all Challenges. Pregnant women. How cute.) The contestants serve their food - except for Corey, who is still preparing her dishes as the women go into labor other women finish their meals. Not surprisingly, Corey gets fourth (last) place. Jen takes third (no surprise, except to her), and Christina wins over Petrozza- by two votes. Christina gets a shopping trip at a boutique - which Jen felt she deserved. The other three contestants get to clean up the dining room. As Christina leaves for her shopping trip, even Corey joins in the trash-talking - forgetting, of course, that she didn't even bother to complete the assignment!

As they finish prep, Christina joins them - and is given the cold shoulder. While this may be good 'strategy', it shows very poor teamwork - something Chef Ramsay might just be looking for in a prospective employee. Eventually, Petrozza seems to realize this, and invites her in.

Just prior to the start of The Service, Chef Ramsay calls them all together, and reminds them that they are competing for The Prize, worth a Quarter of a Million Dollars. Chef likes the appetizers - and so do the customers. Then, Jen stumbles on the risotto - earning an eruption from Mt. Ramsay. As Jen recovers, Christina stumbles - badly - burning Chef Ramsay not once... but twice.

Ouch. And other things.

Personally, I am impressed by the restraint showed by Chef Ramsay. If that had been my hand getting burned, my response would have consisted of words like ****, ****, and especially ********.

Corey also stumbles - what was her error?

OMGOMGOMGOMGCOREYSERVEDRAWFISHOMGOMGOMGOMG

This means that, so far, only Petrozza has managed not to incur the Wrath of Ramsay.

Oops, it appears I spoke too soon, as Chef rips Petrozza a new one for general lack of cleanliness (read: his station is a ****ing mess.) However, Chef does complement him on the finished product, which means Petrozza is still near the top of the heap this evening.

Eventually, service is finished - and the contestants did it without killing anybody (again.) Who is going on? And who is going home?

Cut to commercial for Season Two of Kitchen Nightmares. Hilarity ensures, as the mic dude screws up and Chef Ramsay eats mic during multiple takes, until he finally pulls a kitchen knife and goes all Freddie Kreuger on mic dude.

We're back. Chef is happy. So happy, in fact, that he tells the contestants to reach a consensus as to which two are going up for elimination. They agree on which rules to follow - which Jen then proceeds to ignore, casting both of her votes for Christina. The other three discuss who to put up against Jen. They decide on... Corey. Each explains why she should remain, with Jen butting in and cutting Corey off. So, it's up to Chef to decide, and he decides that the person leaving HELL'S KITCHEN is... Jen.

Hoo-****ing-RAY!

Chef Ramsay saw through her attitude, and it cost her.

And so, once again I bid you Vaarwel, until we have yet another 'mystery guest', and Petrozza is not the only one who has a meltdown, next week... in HELL'S KITCHEN.

(cross-posted at etee too)

Hell's Kitchen
Jun 10, 2008

This week... in HELL'S KITCHEN:

We are treated to Whiny Matt's final moments in the kitchen, followed by the remaining chefs engaging in a whispering conspiracy on how to rid themselves of Jen.

The next morning, Chef Ramsay starts off by teaching the chefs how to prepare a new special - Lobster Spaghetti. Right on the heels of this follows The Challenge, as the chefs are expected to teach this new dish to a class of strippers housewives, complete in what for them passes for "cooking" outfits - platform heels, miniskirts, and low-cut blouses. Petrozza spends most of his time trying to put his tongue back into his head, while Jen can't seem to understand that "teaching someone else how to cook the dish" is not the same as "cook the dish yourself while they watch". When all is said and done, culinary student Christina wins - which means she gets to spend some time with Chef Ramsay and two other big-name chefs, while the others stop talking smack about Jen, and sets their sights on a new target give the Kitchen a thorough cleaning. After her 'private lesson', Christina gleefully shares her new-found knowledge with her co-workers, leading them to say things like ****, ****, and especially ********.

Just prior to the start of The Service, Chef Ramsay drops the other shoe: this evening, they have a '12-top', a table with 12 customers to prepare for. At. The. Same. Time. Christina gets off to a rocky start, but recovers quickly; Bobby and Jen stumble badly on meat and fish, giving Jean-Phillipe a bigger headache than the glass door he ran into; and the customers just get tired of waiting.

After a few more eruptions from Mt. Ramsay, the contestants find their rhythm, after which, the '12-top' arrives. A dozen Hawaiian Tropic models, which means that Jean-Phillipe and Petrozza are in a competition to see whose tongue can hang out the farthest. Corey and Christina manage to get the appetizers out, but then Jen sends RAW FISH to the window.

OMGOMGOMGOMGJENSERVEDRAWFISHAGAINOMGOMGOMGOMG

Next to feel Ramsay's Wrath is Petrozza, who can't seem to keep his eyes off the '12-tops' and his mind on his cooking. Exasperated, Chef Ramsay issues his evaluation of Jen, Bobby, and Petrozza:

Inconsistent... inconsistent... and ****ing dreaming.

Eventually, they manage to finish service. Chef Ramsay tells the contestants how painful it was, and declares the winner to be... Christina. A double-W for her. And also, the responsibility for nominating two co-workers for elimination from HELL'S KITCHEN.

Finally, it's time for the nominations. The first: Jen. The other? We'll find out... after the break.

The second nominee was Bobby, based on his performance this evening. Jen gives Chef Ramsay some attitude, while Bobby acts like he is on a campaign stop (in the name of God, Bobby, quick sucking up... it's embarrassing), and Chef Ramsay asks Christina who she thinks should leave. Christina's response: Jen. Chef Ramsay decides that the personal leaving HELL'S KITCHEN is Jen...eral Bobby.

So, just as in Top Chef, the Final Four consists of 3 women, and one man.

And so, once again I bid you Adeus, until the Final Four prepare dinner for some Very Special Customers, and Chef Ramsay gets his fingers burned by a careless contestant one too many times, next week... in HELL'S KITCHEN.

(cross-posted at etee too)