Condition Red: Latest News from the War on Error Terror

By etee on Dec 27, 2009 | In Nigeria 4-1-9, The Lighter Side of MMF, Humor, Weakly Garlic

Cheesy Threat Advisory Level: Edam - Red

In light of a recent attempt to commit an act of alleged terrorism on board an aircraft, the Congress has announced that they will conduct a comprehensive probe of the flying public, in an effort to determine whether or not terrorists are likely to conceal explosives in their... umm... bodily cavities. Effective tomorrow, travelers will be required to submit to the BFAP (Big F****** A** Prober)-9000, which will be installed at security checkpoints in airports nationwide. In addition, a team of mobile BFAP-9000s will be available to perform secondary screening gateside. The inspections will be videotaped, and the results ~~posted on YouTube~~ examined by Congress thoroughly.

In related news, the TSA has determined that the perpetrators of acts of alleged terrorism all have one thing in common: they are armed. Therefore, effective next Monday, the TSA has mandated that all travelers will be required to relinquish their arms before boarding. A pair of table saws will be set up at each boarding gate to perform the dismemberment, and the arms thus removed will be quick-frozen and placed in checked baggage (for a one-way fee of $40 for two arms. Extra arms can be checked at a fee of $35/each.) Upon arrival at the final destination, specially-trained TSA screeners will be on-hand to attempt reconnection of the severed limbs.

Lastly, our correspondent in Nigeria sent us this dispatch:

Hello, I am representing Mr. Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab, who recently allegedly attempted to emulate his idol, Achmed the Dead Terrorist, while on a flight to Detroit. As a result, he is seriously in need of funds for his defense. I have come across bank accounts of his totaling the sum of TWENTY-FIVE MILLION THREE HUNDRED FORTY-NINE THOUSAND SIX HUNDRED FIFTY-TWO DOLLARS AND SEVENTY THREE CENTS (USD $25,349,652.73), which will be forfeit to the government of Nigeria if we are unable to exercise the modalities by the Grace of God. And so, trusting in God and His Modalities, I would like to entreat you with a very special offer...