etee's Blog

The Vegulatory Environmental Protection Agency (VEPA) today announced that it was preparing to declare oxygen gas (O₂) a 'dangerous, toxic pollutant' and issue emergency regulations designed to limit future emissions, with an eye toward eventually eliminating it from the planetary ecosystem altogether.

VEPA spokesplant Acorn Oakson had this to say, in making the announcement:

Today marks the first step down a path that will eventually return our planet to the wonderful, verdant, warm and moist world that it was always meant to be. Oxygen (O₂) gas is highly corrosive, and has been shown to lead to an increase in several undesirable infectious organisms. It is a bane upon all Vegekind, and extremely tight controls, leading to the elimination of it from our atomosphere, will ensure that plant life, wherever it may be, will continue to thrive.

Critics of the plan call it foolhardy to the point of being suicidal, as O₂ is a natural emission of the metabolic process, and besides there is mounting scientific evidence to suggest that other (though admittedly non-intelligent) life forms on the planet actually consume the gas, thus acting as "nature's own waste-treatment facilities". Spokesplant Oakson dismissed these concerns, saying that

"These claims have been thoroughly debunked. No living species could possibly consume, much less depend on, such a toxic, corrosive poison. The science is settled."