etee's Blog

Hell's Kitchen
Mar 12, 2009

This week... in HELL'S KITCHEN:

Follow up:

After the elimination, the contestants retire to the dorm, where Andrea and J, recalling their terrible performances, promise to Do Better Next Time. Because they realize that ****ing Up Has Consequences.

The next morning, the contestants line up and hear Chef Ramsay complement Lacey on her remarkable display of competence the previous evening. He also introduces the Theme of the Week: they will be hosting a Bar Mitzvah party. They also find out their Challenge: they are to produce three dishes representing the customer's favorites, and "kick them up a notch" by putting a fine-dining spin on them. The dishes: chicken soup, hamburgers, and brisket. Because Jewish Children Hate Veggies Too.

The contestants divvy up the dishes, then start the preparation. We begin to see the finely-tuned machine(!) that is the Red Team come unravelled as Carol decides to mix crumbles of bleu cheese in with her hamburger, starting an argument with her teammates. Someone suggests that she use goat cheese instead, to tone down the flavor. Oddly enough, no one suggests that she not prepare a cheeseburger for a Jewish party! Maybe this is because They Have Forgotten The Lessons They Have Learned.

Finally, it is time for the dishes to be judged, so Chef Ramsay brings out the 13-year old himself to do the honors. Round 1 (Chicken soup) goes to the Blue Team, which means that the Red Team must win Round 2 (brisket), which they do, much to the chagrin of Ben. Because A Jewish Chef Should Do Better At Cooking A Dish For A Bar-Mitzvah Than a Gentile.

This leaves things tied, which means that the winner of Round 3 (hamburger) will take the whole thing. After tasting Robert's Kobe Beef burger, he samples Carol's Bleu-Cheese Burger, and decides the taste is too strong. Game, Set, and MATCH! goes to the Blue Team. Because, Paula you dumb-****, Bleu Cheese Is Too Strong A Flavor And Besides That Who The **** Serves A Cheeseburger At A Bar Mitzvah!?

This means that the Blue Team will get to go to the salon for a day of pampering, while the Red Team has to decorate the dining room for the party. Because ****ing Up Has Consequences.

The camera guy follows the Blue Team to the salon, where Lacey brags on how Chef Ramsay gave her a compliment. Also, we are treated to multiple shots of Robert's bare torso. Because If The Camera Guy Has To Lose His Lunch, Then So Do We.

Meanwhile, the members Red Team meet up with Francisco the Stereotypical Flaming Gay Party Planner and start reconfiguring the dining room. Carol and Andrea argue over how the dance floor goes together, until one of them realizes that the damned thing is a frakkin' basketball court, at which point she hits her forehead with her hand. Because She Could Have Had A V-8.

Eventually, it is time for the start of service, and HELL'S KITCHEN opens up for it's First Ever Bar-Mitzvah Party. Which, come to think of it, is pretty darned wierd. Things get off to a slow start as Andrea sends up a risotto-with-just-a-hint-of-mushroom, and Chef Ramsay sends it back with a side of **** commentary. Shortly thereafter, the Red Team has to leave the kitchen and act as chair-bearers in the traditional Hora dance. This gives the Blue Team a chance to get ahead, which they promptly squander when J screws up a salad. A salad! Because J Has His Head Squarely Up His **** Tonight.

As we move from appetizers to entrees, Coi shows us that she can one-up J, as she left the burgers in the storeroom. And, since the Guest of Honor has to be served first, this brings both kitchens to a standstill. Then, to make matters worse, she sends out seared, but cold, burgers, and has to do them again. Finally, she gets the dishes for the head table out, and they can continue with the rest of the service. Despite offers of help from her teammates, Coi continues to fall behind on the meat station, and Carol and Andrea almost get physical as they argue over cooking the burgers. Meanwhile, on the Blue Team, Danny gets a well-deserved eruption from Mt. Ramsay when he sends up dirty plates, and go-getter Lacey reverts to her former levels of (non-)performance. Since all she has to do is re-heat brisket, this causes her teammates to get frustrated with her, and more importantly it causes Chef Ramsay to call out "Where's the beef? Where's the beef!? WHERE'S THE THE ****ING BEEF?!?" Because It's His Kitchen, And He Will Shout Obscenities So Loud That Children Can Hear If He Wants To.

As the last entrees are sent out, Francisco the Stereotypical Flaming Gay Party Planner comes out with the very fancy cake, and as he stands behind Jean-Philippe and calls his name, we duck, instinctively knowing what is about to happen. And happen it does, as JP turns right into Francisco the Stereotypical Flaming Gay Party Planner, and the cake goes SPLAT! on the floor, turning into an Upside. Down. Cake. So, the contestants have to pull another rabbit out of their ass hat, and complete the dessert portion of the service, as JP unloads on Francisco the Stereotypical Flaming Gay Party Planner with such delicacies as ****, ****, and especially ********. Because In HELL'S KITCHEN Even The Maitre'D Can Yell Obscenities In The Presence Of The Guests.

Finally, Chef Ramsay pulls one more surprise on the guest of honor with a visit/demonstration by the Harlem Globetrotters, who invite the guest of honor into their Magic Circle, and afterwards all the guests leave happy. Then, during cleanup, Carol tells Andrea that she was so mad, she wanted to punch her in the neck. Because Threatenting To Assault Coworkers Is Apparently OK In HELL'S KITCHEN.

Warning: Do not try this at work. Or home. Or if your antagonist could squash you like a bug.

Chef Ramsay has to make a difficult decision: both teams completed service, but there has to be a loser. Finally, he picks the Red Team for this particular honor, and adds insult to injury by selecting Andrea as the "Best of the Worst", and asking her to nominate two teammates for elimination. While she can't decide who was the worst, her teammates have no such problem, as they feel she was - and decide to tell Chef Ramsay as much. Because When Your **** Is On The Chopping Block What Do You Have To Lose?

Sure enough, Andrea incurs the Wrath of Ramsay by being indecicive, and even mentioning that all the others' ****ups were mirrored in her own performance(!?), but in the end she nominates Coi (OK) and LA (WTF!?), explaining that LA "didn't give 110%." LA disputes this, and Coi counters that Andrea was in fact the Weakest Link. Carol and LA agree, but Paula dissents, so in the end, Coi is 86'd and sent packing. Because She Couldn't Cook a ****ing Hamburger, And Even Though J ****ed Up A ****ing Salad, He Was Not On The Losing Team So There.

Be sure to tune in next week, as Lacey threatens to quit once again, Chef Ramsay yells a lot, and one more contestant sees their dreams of Fame and Fortune, as well as their chef jacket, reduced to a pile of flaming ashes. All this, and much, much, much more... in HELL'S KITCHEN.

Because You Know You Want To.