etee's Blog

Hell's Kitchen
Jan 29, 2009

This week... in HELL'S KITCHEN:

Follow up:

It is that time again, when we meet a whole new group of suckers unemployed kitchen help assclowns contestants seeking their fifteen minutes of fame ,. This year, the grand prize is a position as Head Chef at the Borgata Hotel in Atlantic City. Presuming that the Borgata is still around when this is all over, and that the producers/Chef Ramsay don't change their minds. Oh, and I also heard something about a quarter of a million dollars. Which would be the equivalent of the bonus paid to the junior assistant executive VP at one of the investment banks. Or, the winning chef's great-great-great-grandchild's tax bill to pay off the **** "stimulus" (interest not included.)

But, I **** digress.

This year, they have decided to start things off differently. After showing us a montage of all the hilarity that has ensued during previous seasons, about 300 masochists-in-training contestant wannabees file into the restaurant, where maitre-d' Jean-Philippe reads off the names of the 16 finalists, as they are pulled from a raffle drum. (Thank goodness we didn't have to go through 2 weeks of trainwrecks auditions first.) The Chosen Ones are then put to work, preparing their signature dishes for Chef Ramsay. This is his way to "get to know them" better. The first few dishes are received remarkably well, but then we are treated to the inevitable trainwrecks - along with Chef Ramsay's **** commentary. Things get really interesting when he samples the offering of cooking school instructor Colleen, as he is less than impressed about her cooking, and her actually charging people to teach them to cook, and lets her know it. She responds by looking him straight in the eye, and with what must be the line of the night, says (cool as a cucumber):

"I also teach classes in manners, Chef."

OMGOMGOMGSHEJUSTCALLEDRAMSAYILL-MANNEREDOMGOMGOMG

Chef Ramsay, nonplussed, orders "**** Miss Manners" to step back in line. And on it goes, until all the dishes have been sampled. The chefs are then sent to the dorms, where they find their coats, and take time to explore the amenities that HELL'S KITCHEN has to offer. They are also asked to come up with team names: the Blue Team (men) adopt the name "Blue Brothers" (much better than "Blue Balls", which was also suggested), while the Red Team (women) came up with "Spice Rack" (but not all of them liked it, since some of them... never mind.)

The next morning, it is all business, as the chefs have to prep for the night's service. And, with a field as large as this, it is hard to get a feel for everyone. However, there are a few who stand out like a sore thumb. The biggest sore thumb during the prep is Lacey, who works as a "Corporate Buffet Cook" (sounds to me like a cafeteria line worker in an office building.) She goes into full Drama Queen mode, having such a meltdown that she says the two words one should never, ever utter during a Reality Show competition, or any other time for that matter (unless you really really mean it):

I quit.

She is a very fortunate contestant indeed, that Chef Ramsay didn't tell her to hand him her jacket and get the **** out of his Kitchen. Chef/owners tend to be sort of funny, that way. But, I'm thinking she won't last very long.

Eventually, prep comes to an end. Chef Ramsay selects two contestants to work FoH (Front of the House, also known as "wait staff"), and orders Jean-Philippe to open the doors, with high hopes that this will be the Best. Opening. Night. EVAH! These hopes, however, are soon dashed, as he discovers that this bunch of contestants can be every bit as inept as their predecessors. Whether it is undercooked scallops, overcooked scallops, pre-cooking the spaghetti, or the entire Blue Team stationing themselves at the garnish station, we have seen (most) all of it before. Again, most of it is a blur of screw-up after screw-up, but Chef Ramsay seems to pay special attention to his personal tormentor Colleen, whose risotto comes out the consistency of glue; and Blue Team members Wil and Robert, who just seem to **** everything up. The generator also goes out (it seems NOTHING work right the first night), which gives us some insight into Carol (who keeps the customers happy by plying them with wine as they are waiting for their food), and Ben (who attempts to take charge of the Blue Team and keep them working until the lights come back on.) Finally the lights come back on, and things proceed to go straight to HELL in a handbasket. Chef Ramsay is reduced to such pithy commentary as ****, ****, and especially ********. Finally, after waiting like three hours for their food, the guests start walking out (I hear the fast food joint down the street does a rousing business whenever HELL'S KITCHEN is open), and Chef Ramsay orders the Kitchen closed.

Since the food was uniformly bad (or non-existent, which pretty much the same thing I guess), Chef Ramsay lets the customer comments regarding the FoH service determine the winner. It seems that Carol's efforts to keep the customers drunk happy paid off, as 90% of the customers gave her a rating of "Above Average". In contrast, Giovanni's ineptitude earned him an overwhelming rating of "Below Average". So, the Blue Team gets to talk amongst themselves, and agree on two (2) nominees for eviction elimination. When all is said and done, the nominees are:

• Wil (who put himself up for elimination), and
• Seth (who Chef Ramsay likened to Forrest Gump, and who everyone else on the Blue Team wanted gone.)

Who will be the one? We'll find out... after the break.

We're back. Robert informed Chef Ramsay that Seth was really the first one to be nominated, and offered to put himself up in Wil's place. He quickly withdrew the offer, though, when Chef Ramsay pressed him on the point. So, Chef has a choice to make - the "first of many" hard choices. And make it he does, as he asks Wil for his jacket, as an offer to the Spiky gods. Wil hands his jacket over, packs his stuff, and leaves HELL'S KITCHEN, the first contestant to be 86'd. It seems that, if you don't believe in yourself, then there is no reason for Chef Ramsay to believe in you, either.

And so ends the first episode. Tune in again as hilarity ensues, when shoeless and clueless contestants Dumpster-dive, and Chef Ramsay lets out a hearty, hi-ho **** or two(hundred), next week... in HELL'S KITCHEN.