etee's Blog

A new Threat Advisory Level scale has just been announced. This new, improved scale adds features not found in the old, unimproved version. Not only are the colors updated and more hip, but there is also descriptive context, along with suggested courses of action.

The new scale is as follows:

Threat Advisory Level: ELEPHANTS (Pink). Level PINK-ELEPHANTS indicates that the government has no credible evidence of any threat to our nation's security, but is warning us to be afraid... be very afraid. This will probably be the level most commonly invoked. When you see Level PINK-ELEPHANTS, extreme paranoia vigilance is expected from every citizen: you should be alert for anyone doing things you might possibly be afraid of, and if you see (or even think you might in the future see) such activity you should report it immediately.

Threat Advisory Level: WHINE (Red). At level RED-WHINE, the government is just feeling all pissy about somebody doing something that somebody else might find offensive, like putting the name of a grape on their license plate. When at level RED-WHINE, expect all sorts of new regulatory prohibitions on totally innocuous (but unnecessary, and therefore un-American) activity.

Threat Advisory Level: LAGOON (Blue). Level BLUE-LAGOON will be invoked when a threat to the morals of our children is spotted. When level BLUE-LAGOON is announced, all parents should lock their children inside their prayer closets, and round up and smash all video games, music CDs, and any subversive literature such as translations of the Bible other than the approved, official King James version.

Threat Advisory Level: ULTRA (Violet). Level ULTRA-VIOLET is reserved for warnings about threats which normal Americans can't see (because they're not there), but which certain anti-social elements are able to perceive (because they are also not here, in our present reality.) When level ULTRA-VIOLET is announced, concerned citizens should remain tuned to FOX News and conservative talk radio to ensure they receive unbiased, up to the minute reports on conditions.

Threat Advisory Level: ELLA (Salmon). Level SALMON-ELLA will be announced when a threat to the nation's fast food empires food supply is detected. During times of SALMON-ELLA, citizens are urged to limit their eating to only approved food types, and they should certainly avoid so-called "ethnic" establishments that serve anti-American foods like calamari.

Threat Advisory Level: GRASS (Green). Level GREEN-GRASS should almost never be seen, as it indicates that conditions on other parts of the world are actually better than they are in the USofA. And, as any true red-state American knows deep in his heart, that just cannot be.