Nation in panic as large number 'unknown packages' delivered to US Post Offices
Federal agents today simultaneously blew up ever single Post Office in the United States, in response to the discovery of a large number of unidentified heart-shaped packages emitting a strange sweetish odor. DHS elevated the 'Threat Level' to the previously Super Top Secret level of Shirking Violet, and citizens across the nation were ordered to remain indoors and put duct tape over all their toilet seats.
A spokesman for the USPS said that they thought the packages had actually originated at other post offices in the previous days, and thought they might have something to do with the upcoming Valentine's Day holiday, but the FBI and DHS didn't want to take any chances.
In other news, the TSA announced that they have added Lite-Brites to the list of banned items, after plans were found in a cave in Afghanistan to utilize a large number of the devices to 'send a message to the imperialist Crusaders' in a number of American cities. Along with the plans they found one of the infernal devices, which displays a cryptic message:
The CIA and NSA are still trying to decipher the message.
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