etee's Blog

Hell's Kitchen
May 13, 2008

This week... in HELL'S KITCHEN:

Whiny Matt undergoes Chef Ramsay's version of gender reassignment, as he is put on the women's team. After they all fail to identify the faux meat in three dishes, they are given a chance to demonstrate their palates (or lack thereof) in a blind taste test. It seems more like "lack thereof", as the contestants (the men especially) can't seem to identify hardly anything. It comes down to Ben vs. Whiny Matt, in an epic matchup Chef Ramsay compares to "Tyson vs. Holyfield." Hmmm, wonder if that means they are going to taste each others ears.

It turns out they have to identify 10 ingredients in a bowl of clam chowder. Whiny Matt leads his new team to victory, and the reward is a special spa treatment. And Ben gets to serve them iced tea. I am somewhat disappointed that he doesn't pour Matt's right on his facial.

At the beginning of The Service, the Red team gets off to a totally screwed up start, as Rosann manages to screw up the scallops. Then she puts out some RAW SEAFOOD, eliciting a full-blown eruption from Mt Ramsay. The Blue team isn't immune, as Chef Ramsay unloads on Ben, giving him a full salvo of ****, ****, and especially *******.

The entrees are so slow getting out that the 'customers', having run out of bread, are reduced to eating each other. Metaphorically speaking, of course. On the Red team, Rosann is cooking RAW SEAFOOD, while on the Blue Team Ben's 'well done' Wellingtons are being returned because the customers, as hungry as they are, can't stand it when their food moos at them. Finally, Chef Ramsay has had enough... and he orders the Kitchen closed.

Me thinks there will be a losing team this night.

I was right. The Blue team was declared the losing team, and to add insult to injury, Matt is singled out for a public complement. The men are sent out with instructions to each select someone to nominate, and Ben gets all 'strategic'. They all nominate each other, then it comes to Petrozza, who will announce his decision... after the break.

And he nominates himself. Chef Ramsay congratulates Petrozza on his maturity, then demands that Ben surrender his jacket, as an offering to the spiky gods.

Once again I bid you arrivederci, until the contestants play musical teammates, someone adds a special ingredient into their dish for the visiting food critics, and Chef Ramsay hits the wall, again and again and again, next week... in HELL'S KITCHEN.

(cross-posted at etee too)

How's this for a business plan?

Create a giveaway magazine with a name that sounds like some cheap back-alley porno. Create one of those "links to a gazillion ads" domains that shows you don't even have the HTML programming skills of a 3-year old. Sit on it until some awesome women create a successful social network - in their spare time. Decide you also want to create a social networking site for women. Sue the awesome women for "trademark infringement" since their domain name (which they had first) is similar to yours (which is the same as a very common article of clothing.) Lose. Threaten to sue some more, until they change their site's name to something equally awesome (maybe even more awesome), and you incur the wrath of the very audience you created your site to serve (including one who is quite possibly sitting on a goodly portion of the world's reserves of Xanax. And who isn't afraid to use it.)

Way to go, chuckleheads. I'm sure your VC backers are just gonna love you for this one. Maybe next time, you will read your history before you go out and repeat it.

On the other hand... go and visit this awesome site right now. Even if you are a guy. It is that damn good.

This is the thought that got stuck in my head during last night's American Idol:

"Instead of comparing this Final Four to the Fab Four, they should be comparing them to the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse!"

Hell's Kitchen
May 6, 2008

This week... in HELL'S KITCHEN:

We begin with Christina uttering terroristic threats promising to take out her teammates, followed by both teams conspiring against themselves.

The next morning we start with The Challenge: It's a sweet-16 party. A hundred dollars for 3 courses. Matt is an early favorite to offer up his jacket as a sacrifice, as he has come down with a severe case of Idontgivea****itis. Hearing just one of the courses (stuffed chicken wings!? Chicken wings!? CHICKEN WINGS!?) I can't say I blame him.

PLOT TWIST: the birthday girl is going to help judge the offerings. To show the depth of her palate, she chooses the ****ng chicken wings!

Oh well.

The women lose, and their punishment is to spend the day decorating the dining room with The Obligatory Stereotypical Gay Party Planner, who of course clashes with the Wicked Witch of the errr, mother of the birthday girl over the decorations. Seriously, folks, could we find anybody more stereotypically gay than this character?

Love in Hell? Louross and Corey make out meet up in the hot tub. No sparks, though, as Louross totally dorks out, and Corey mentions that she has a boyfriend.

And then, it's time for The Service: the Stereotypical Gay Party Planner (who changed his Clockwork Orange suit for a pastel blue one thankyouJesus) introduces the other Queen in the room (that would be the Birthday Girl.) Things head downhill when the entrees go out, as both the Guest of Honor and her mother send their plates back. Seems our Sweet 16-er doesn't like RAW BEEF. Especially when it moos at her as she cuts it.

I'm thinking PETA just got a new convert.

Rosann tries to cook the beef again, and again she screws it up. So, Chef Ramsay takes over, and cooks the steak himself. Meanwhile, the Black Gordon Ramsay (a.k.a. Bobby) takes over the preparation of the mother's fish from Matt.

Eventually, they finish cooking the food, and present the birthday girl with one more surprise - Pink Spiders! Oh, that's a performance by the Pink Spiders.

Chef Ramsay announces the results: 98% of the paid extras customers would return to the men's kitchen - and 99% of them would return to the women's! One more time, we have No Losing Team - and both teams get to nominate one for elimination. Matt goes off to pack his bags, while the women argue about who should join him.

The men nominate Matt (who else?), and the women nominate Shayna. Chef isn't happy about that, so Rosann ends up nominated as well. Matt gets all whiny, Chef gets all shouty, and finally Chef announces this week's offering to the spiky gods... after the break.

So, who will it be... overcooked fish, or undercooked meat? My money is on Rosann.

Back from the break, Chef announces that Shayna is leaving.

Whoa.

Chef then congratulates Rosann for turning the birthday girl into a vegetarian. Oh... and Matt is reassigned to cook with the women's team.

Double whoa.

Once again I bid you sayonara, until Whiny Matt and Fine Dining both return along with Chef Ramsay shouting ****, ****, and especially *******, next week... in HELL'S KITCHEN.

(cross-posted at etee too)